Happy and Meaningful Story of Survival

Originally published by Joana on May 13th, 2014

Why Happy? Because it is a new beginning, with new opportunities and new visions.
Why Meaningful? Because in situations like this, meaning has a higher value than simple action.
Why Survival? Because life is a survival game.
I have a few purposes for this article and here they are:

1. Creating the “New Me”
2. Helping out other people in situation similar to mine
3. Having the opportunity to thank my family and friends for being here for me, loving me and putting up with all my crazy ideas.

Here’s what I am dealing with:
The life threatening condition that starts with the letter “C” for which I refuse to write the entire name (I consider it doesn’t exist in the dictionary for me).

This TEMPORARY condition has been caught by my wonderful doctors in stage 4 – a totally irrelevant number. It could have been 10 and I would still not give a damn about it. As an engineer I worked too long with numbers so I can afford disregarding this one. It partially ruined my 2013 Christmas but not the New Year’s night party that lasted until 3:00 am in the morning – and NO, I couldn’t even have one drink that night.

And here is what I am doing about it:
I am denying the existence of this condition, in my mind, following all the doctor’s instructions and treatments and living my life to the fullest every single day.

Short or Not so Short Biography:
I was born in Transylvania  and came to the United States in the 90’s. I had a great childhood, definitely not because of the regime that I grew up in but because of the friends that I was fortunate to have over there and the passion of skiing, that I have inherited from previous generations.

After many years of engineering work (13 long years!!), I finally managed to break away from my 9-5 job and run my own real estate business. It worked well up until the market crashed.Together with my husband and after a lot of other ideas and attempts to restart something, we opened up a home based business. I also had another engineering job (5 more long years!!) while running this new side business. We created our own brand of baby products, filed for a patent and some trademarks and after thousands of working hours we sold the business.

Shortly after, we bought a flower shop that was a disaster, at first sight. We fixed it up, made no money in the first year. We worked enormous amounts of hours but in the second year the business grew a lot. And when everything finally started to work out well, a new challenge came up. I call it the challenge to create a “New Me”. The “Old Me” was chaotic but organized in my own way but self destructive somehow because of the millions of hours of work that I put in. I was driven to the point of obsession. I would eat, breathe and think business. If I wanted to make something happen, I would be like an unstoppable freight train and I would make it happen, with tons of stress.

In addition, while working, I raised my daughter. I read stories at bedtime every night until she wanted to do it herself. I’ve taught her how to ski since she was almost three years old. I would drag her through Home Depot while I had the real estate business and “partially traumatize” her to the point that she still brings it up now. I worked nights at the engineering firm and took care of her when she was little during the day. At the same time I was running the real estate business. I taught her how to swim, ice skate, roller blade. I told her stories when I wanted her to do something for me. We did tons of crafts together. I taught her to have many friends, to like the outdoors, to be a normal kid and not a fufu girl, to be kind and thoughtful. She is like my sister and I am quoting my mother on this. However, when she pokes me one time too much, I act like a lion and yes, I do know how to roar.
I took her on trips at least twice a year, skiing out west, to Europe and other places.

Since 2004 we moved to Florida. I went through a divorce. After a few years I got remarried to a true better half. He has been like a father for my little girl which now is 16 – A GOOD 16.
By keeping a decent relationship with her natural father, she had the luxury that not many kids have, to grow up without fears, insecurities and trauma.

So this is my life. There are more events, crazy ideas, disappointments, super happy moments and super sad moments – ups and downs in all shapes and forms. However, with the help of my husband we did overcome many obstacles. I couldn’t have done it without him. He, my daughter and my parents are the rocks in my life. The strength that I have been building up in the past years could not have been done without my husband.

The fun and crazy things we did, such as buying motorcycles, going to Europe for 4 days for my father’s birthday and for a little bit of skiing, packing and going places in a spur of the moment, laughing, loving and enjoying the moments kept us going.

So you see, everything is happening with a reason. If I would have been put in the position that I am in right now, 10 years ago, I would have probably been in a very bad shape. However, because of all the experiences that I went through that made me stronger, now I can say that this obstacle that I have in front of me, can be overcome. I am not sure if this would have been possible without all the failures and achievements from the past.

Before I found out about my condition, during the summer of 2013, I was overworked, dead tired, in misery from pain and I had this horrible, unstoppable anger in me. I was afraid that I will never be able to get rid of it. I was wondering what can bring some peace and lucidity in my life.

Well , here it is – my opportunity to make changes came up in a very ugly shape that at this moment I do not consider ugly at all. It is a challenge and I was always a challenge addict. This condition made me look a hundred times better than I did last year and yes, I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense but it is the truth. Why? Because now I am not angry anymore, I reduced dramatically the amount of stress that I would personally load on my back, I am eating healthier, I don’t drink, not even the social drinks that I used to have, and I eliminated 75% of the meat that I used to have in my diet. I lowered my cholesterol from 368 to 220 in a month. I had no idea where my cholesterol was because I never went for an annual check-up in my life. I am 46 now so I probably should have done that a few times.

My parents are alive and kicking, they have no health issues, they are active people and there is no other condition like mine in the family.
Now that my background just became public, I can transition to the story at hand – what I am doing in order to keep my sanity in the given situation and more than that, how I am enjoying every moment and what tools I use to accomplish this. I never liked to make my life public but guess what, if this can help other people in the same boat I’m in, why not do it?

There will be a catch though and here it is:
Comments to my article will be up for approval. I will have my husband remove all negative comments. He will be the first one to read them, not me. Why am I doing this? Because, please don’t forget, I need to help myself too. I need to get better and in order to do this I can’t argue, which believe me, I am quite capable of doing. By arguing, I get stressed out and this is the first thing on my list that I need to eliminate as much as possible. Stress blurs my mind and I need a clear mind in order to accomplish what I want to accomplish.

I will answer questions and I will give advice if I can. Sometimes it might take longer. It all depends.
And one very important aspect – PLEASE DO NOT WRITE STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE THAT DID NOT OVERCOME THE OBSTACLE I AM TALKING ABOUT OR BRING UP STATISTICS. I do not know what my chance of survival is and I could care less. Why? Because I want my normal life back and it is back for me at this time, in this moment. Also, because each case is different.

In order for my advice to work for you and for me, negative outcomes DO NOT EXIST. If we remove them from our brains and yes, you can do that, this condition we have, becomes TEMPORARY. Our mind can do wonders.

The next article will have the story of the changes I made since I found out about my condition, the tools I use to keep being a happy person. I am a very active person, I work full time at the flower shop, I don’t take naps, no I don’t take drugs that could take me in La La Land and yes, sometimes I do work a lot – Valentine’s Day has been a challenge J. I am extremely lucky because the side effects from the treatment are mild, for now.

I am going on a ski trip in the next few days, between 2 chemo “rejuvenating sessions” – this is the terminology I will use from now on, in all the articles I will post.
So stay tuned – more stuff is coming up.

So, my struggle started back in august but I will not get into too many details which I managed to put on the side and disregard. I went to some doctors which send me home with over the counter pills. In December I chose to see an acupuncturist which after poking me with a ton of needles told me to go straight to a medical facility to check myself out for something serious.

I did that, I ran into a doctor that figured out from the beginning that it was time for a scan. After a few interventions, biopsies and other procedures which were done extremely quickly,  I pretty much knew what was going on with me. On December 26 the final result was in. The following day we were supposed to go on a 2 weeks ski trip. Part of the reason was fun and part of it, a school project for my daughter – here is the video of the school project.

We canceled our trip but we “shipped” our daughter to Canada to family friends which are fanatic skiers. She had the time of her life and she had no clue what was going on with me. We told her that I have to be checked out further and possibly have a small medical intervention.

I cried my eyeballs out on the 26th, then I pulled myself together and two days later I packed my daughter’s bags and ski equipment and we took her to the airport. The crying sessions were  at the flower shop, at home I was normal.

In January, more bad news but everything was done with the speed of light so the “rejuvenating sessions” started fairly quick. My first trip to the “chemo spa” scared the hell out of me, all I could see were sick people, some crying, some in misery, some absent and most of them unhappy. Their misery became mine that day and I came home in shambles. That evening my daughter started asking questions because I had the pump connected to my port, for the “juices” to rejuvenate me. I asked her if she is tough enough to handle the truth. She said that she is as tough as me because I raised her to be this way. So I told her everything including the fact that I will conquer this obstacle. No crying was involved, no desperation – simply facts.

Those first weeks were tough. Friends would call and give advice – hours and hours of advice. They love me and they want the best for me and I know that the intentions were more than good. My mother was trying to help in million ways. Her position is a lot worse than mine. You could see her fear from a distance. Her panic became mine. My friend’s panic became mine. The only people that kept treating me like before were my daughter, my husband and three very close friends.

At one point of time I decided that enough was enough so I posted the following message on Facebook.

For all my friends – Simple suggestions on how to deal with the "NEW" me:

1. Call me ONLY when you don’t have the urge to ask me how I am but rather tell me how you’re doing
2. If I don’t answer the phone that means I am "rejuvenating" and I’ll get back to you when I’m ready to share happy thoughts and listen to FUNNY STUFF – please bombard me with ridiculous stuff, I have a very wild imagination
3. Advice is great, however I have a "waiting list" for new appointments and the next available day is January 1st, 2015
4. Remember I LOVE YOU ALL, even if I am a big pain in the ass sometimes with not such a big pain in the ass at the moment;
5. "ME" never changed so treat me accordingly
6. If I post "Gone Skiing" on March 13th, 2014 (yes, in less than a month, in between 2 "rejuvenation sessions") don’t believe I’m out of my mind but rather start praying so I won’t spend all my time on double diamonds
7. This week I don’t exist for anybody because I am working for all the "lover birds" in Palm Beach county – yes, for some people such as me and my husband and our dear friends that help us out, Valentine’s Day is called "How the F… are we going to survive" Day.
   With much love from me to all of you – Have a very Happy Valentine’s Day!

That was the breakthrough. I stopped everybody in their tracks. No more phone calls unless I wanted to contact somebody. This gave me the time to figure out what to do next and the next task was planning a cruise. We used to travel and have fun so I thought that by doing that, I can reclaim my past.

The idea came to me on Wednesday and on Friday we took sail to the Bahamas for four days.
I came back a different person. And this is where everything started to change in a positive way.
 WHY? Because I went back to my previous life, I pushed aside the worries. Why worry about something that you don’t have total control over? I do have partial control and I am building it up but I also have the doctors to do their job, my brain is doing his with my positive input and that’s about it. Please remember, this is coming from the mouth of a control freak so if I can let go of some things, ANYBODY CAN.

I go by instinct. My mother goes by books.

I gave her a job too. She has to get herself back on her feet, read as many books as she can about the mental healing and maybe one day, she can even heal me if I need it. That gave her a purpose and by seeing me laughing and enjoying life, she is doing the same. Problem solved there. 🙂

I learned in life that fear has to be removed in any way possible. We all have fears but our job is to control them. There is no such thing as a fearless person. Fear stops you dead in your tracks. It annihilates the positive thoughts and brings the ugly scenarios in your mind. I had a couple of days like that after talking to somebody that lost her sister. I had a hard time pulling myself together and removing the bad outcome out of my mind. The only way I could manage to do that was by bringing somebody’s name (Gloria) in my mind, the moment the sad thoughts were ready to invade my brain. IT WORKED. Two days later, after the conversation, I was as good as new. 🙂

This is the reason why I can’t afford seeing negative comments on my blog.
Here is the procedure: You as the patient or spa client or whatever you want to call yourself, pull yourself together. You can do that if you get a break from everybody else around you. If you stabilize your mind, by analyzing and assessing the situation than you can send the message out that life goes on and MUST GO ON, the way it was before. All you have to do are some adjustments but the main activities must go on. Once you cool off and assure the people around you that you are genuinely getting better in your mind, they will follow. If their fear diminishes, it will not influence you in a negative way anymore and you have room to breathe.

Giving information out regarding your day to day treatment, mood and all sort of other unnecessary details brings you back in the fear zone. The more you talk about your problem, the bigger it gets. If you send out a clear message that you will not keep everybody posted on a regular basis and that they have to accept your decision, you gain space and time to heal.

I had friends that demanded information. They told me that they need to know what I am doing. I told them that they don’t and, if they really want me to get better, than they should give me a temporary break. They did give me a break because my decision was final and they had no choice. I used to have time for everybody, be on the phone and talk to friends and their problems all the time. Not anymore. My time is precious and if I do not use it to get better, I might not be around to talk to them in the future.

The Ultimate Ski Trip:

As I mentioned above, a ski trip was planned and here I am, in Tahoe right now, the day before we need to return to Florida. Getting here was a nightmare. On Tuesday I had my rejuvenation session and on Thursday I went back to the doctor so that they can remove the device that was connected to my port. That was done at noon and at 6:00 pm I was on a plane. Two flights later because yes, we had a connection, a struggle at the rental car company and a 2 hours drive in the middle of the night we finally arrived at the condo. It was 3:00 am in California and 6:00 am in Florida. I managed to sleep just a few hours, probably because I was way too tired to sleep more, if this makes any sense to you 🙂
The following day, I dropped off my daughter at the tram station and told her that I am not capable of skiing so she would have to ski by herself.

I was content with the decision, knowing that I will get back on the slopes soon and reclaim my “tough mama” status. That is exactly what happened the following day. Thanks to the steroids in the rejuvenating cocktail, I was like a ski monster. No pains, no tiredness, no fear, just a ton of energy. The weather in Tahoe has been perfect since we got here.  The slopes, perfectly groomed just waiting for me and my adrenaline rush need.
One little detail – right now, because I take a medication that doesn’t allow me to get hurt, I was told by my doctor that crashing and breaking something is not an option for me. At first I had a little fear inside knowing what’s at stake. I usually don’t crash on the slopes but when it happens, it’s like a yard sale – equipment everywhere on a 10 yards radius 🙂

After a few runs I crushed the little fear monster that was lurking in the back of my mind. I had a short conversation with him, advised him to go to hell and that was it.
The following days were absolutely fabulous, steroids doing their job, me behaving as usual where I would terrorize my daughter and she would terrorize me back with all sorts of silly topics. Her singing the “I like Pina Colada” song, or whatever the name is, me threatening to kill her before she would kill me with her “great” voice, her claiming to be faster, me pushing limits to keep my “crown” in place and so on and so forth.

There was one thing that I really wanted to do and I did it. I told her that I have to be by myself for one very long run and one very long lift ride. It is a slope that I knew from the past, fairly hidden from the “main street”, which has a very slow lift. The reason I wanted to do this is because that specific lift ride is amazing. It takes you through the woods and it gives you a major doze of relaxation.

Initially I wanted to have my music on and two days in a row, that stupid device would not cooperate. I was on the lift, almost ready to get angry until I figured out that everything happens for a reason. I couldn’t use the music to relax but instead, the music from the nature, was a thousand times more relaxing.

See, one of the most important lessons I learned is that you have to listen, pay attention and connect to the signs around you. It is amazing. By letting go and accepting whatever comes your way, for some unexplainable reason, things work out better than you would imagine. Is it called instinct? I don’t know. Could it be the connection to a higher and better pool of energy that surrounds us? Possibly!

There has been one other unusual event which confirmed that my chosen path is correct. I am not alone in this crazy approach that I have which includes the love of skiing and the desire to do it over and over again, no matter what obstacles get in my way.
One day we ended up on a lift with a lady from Russia.  We started talking because that’s what skiers do, while on the lift, they talk to strangers, 95% of the time.  She started telling us that she is battling breast “c”, that she is going through treatment and she was told by her doctor that she can do whatever she wants in between her treatments, including skiing, her number one passion.

This coincidence blew me away. What are the chances to end up on a lift with somebody in the same boat as you? Well, it happened and this simple coincidence gave me a new perspective. I am not alone in my approach on how to deal with this temporary situation I am in, right now.

And again, this simple event opened up for me a new opportunity. It happened with a reason.
For a long time I wanted to do something good. Numerous times in the past I thought about helping other less fortunate people but, for some reason, I never acted upon this idea.
Well, guess what? Now is the perfect time to do it.

Together with my husband we figured out what we would like to do next.  This is an entire new story so I will get back to it at a later time. Now it’s time to hit the slopes, for the last time this season.

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Sleepless in Florida – so instead of getting aggravated, I decided to start writing again.

Originally published by Joana on May 15th, 2014

This one is for my HUSBAND, the rock in my life. I was wondering many times what would I have done in his place. It is a tough question and I really don’t know the perfect answer. Would I have had as much patience and strength as he has? Would I have been capable to hang on to the roller coaster that life threw us in? I finally did find my balance and the necessary detachment. Well let’s not exaggerate, there are moments when I am falling of the horse but he is always there to pick me up.

In any case, now is my turn to do a better job in taking some of the load from his back. And I will because I love him dearly. I have been extremely fortunate to find a very altruistic person, a caring individual that doesn’t know what selfishness is. Yes, I am a very lucky person and I am more than grateful even though sometimes I don’t show it. I love you better half and I will fight this disease till the end of time because I am not allowed to leave prematurely. I will do whatever it takes to bring our life back to normal because I truly love you – Have a happy Birthday (soon to come) and many, many more with me by your side.

My daughter

I was told by a nurse, while being at one of my rejuvenating sessions, that there are many mothers in the same situation as mine. She mentioned that some of them write letters to their children. I can’t do that because I prefer to say what I have to say to her, right in her face or maybe by screaming in her ear. I am not going anywhere so my plan is to be able to talk to her face to face, rather than having her read my thoughts and advice.

She is the best kid that I ever dreamed of having. It’s funny because I dragged my ass to become a mother. For a long time I was not ready to be a Mom. I used to say that I prefer to remain the kid in the family, for as long I can. Once it happened, and I found myself pregnant and gaining weight with the speed of light, I realized that I was made for being a mother. Well maybe it was later, after she decided to give me a little baby smile and not when I looked and acted like a pregnant dinosaur. Just as I am doing now, when she arrived in this world, I told everybody that I will take care of her without too much advice form the outside. What an arrogant creature I am!!!

I read a few things here and there but that was it. I went by instinct, I raised her just the way my Mom raised me but with a little personal touch 🙂
The difference is that I chose to be slightly crazy, silly and with the idea in my mind that we are somewhat equals. However, when yelling time comes around, I do a pretty good job. Even my own ears get damaged in the process.The truth of the matter is that she turned out to be a great young lady, that I am quite proud of.

My Mom

Oh boy, this is complicated to sum up in a few phrases. She is a fantastic person. We have different personalities but somehow we managed to have a great relationship. She is the one that always stood by me. Throughout the years she rubbed some of her kindness on me, even though I act like a tough, stubborn and pain in the ass type of person sometimes. She is the one that has understanding for everybody, she finds the good parts in everybody and goes the extra mile for her friends. She is one of the most loyal people that I know. I owe her more than I will ever be able to give back and I love her dearly. She is also one of the main reason that keeps me going in my battle.

My Father

Now this one is a tough one to describe. He is almost me, personality wise. Maybe I should have said that I am almost him. We both have our tantrums, we know how to argue and we have this huge amount of energy that causes a lot of exhaustion to those around us. Unless we have a goal, job, or whatever activity that can drain some of our energy, we become a true pain in the ass for the less fortunate people in our circle.

I learned from him to love the mountains even though when I was younger I was saying that as a grown up, I will never lay a foot on a mountain ever again. He dragged me up and down the mountains with a vengeance, army style, boot camp style or whatever tough style you can think of. Guess what? I am glad he did that. Isn’t it ridiculous that now, as a parent, I have the tendency to do the same to my own child but in a milder manner? Yes, I use common sense sometimes 🙂 Not too often, just sometimes.

Still, I owe him a big thank you for whatever he did because he toughened me up for some of the things that hit me in my life, including the latest and greatest event. Hang in there buddy because you gave me some of the tools to solve this situation and I WILL USE THEM.

Andra and Clara – strong, clear minded people in my family that had a major role at the beginning and have been there for me ever since. Clara is the one that early on pointed out the power of mind. One of the few articles that I read was from her and it was exactly what I needed. First shot best shot – my favorite expression. Once I made up my mind to “use my mind” 🙂 things started rolling. It’s funny but because of the many emails that I used to send them, the idea of writing came from Clara. Well, here I am, playing the writer game. And yes, I am a beginner at this so please give me the benefit of the doubt.

Grandpa

Well, he is my daughter´s Grandpa but his name officially changed in my vocabulary when she was born :). He is one big guy with a big mouth, a big heart, a tough but rewarding life and a tormented soul.

Throughout the years there have been many situations where he jumped in to help me and I am grateful for the opportunities that were offered to me, because of him. He did this for others too and that shows compassion and a good heart. We all look for appreciation from the people surrounding us. Sometimes we get it, sometimes not. The only way I know how to show mine is to be able to see him as often as I can.

I believe that when life gives you big challenges, it also gives you the opportunity to reflect upon your inner structure. Some people choose to become bitter and some choose to forgive and show more understanding for others. It is a matter of choice.

My friends

I have good friends, all of them very special people that I have been more than fortunate to find. I thank you all for being here for me. Three of them did the best job possible when I landed in my recent misery. I will not mention their names but I assume they know who they are 🙂 I will simply call them the 3 musketeers 🙂
These people knew exactly what they had to do. How, I have no clue, but I owe them big time.

One day I will be able to pay my debt because I don’t forget these kind of things. I love you all special buddies for being here for me the way you were and the way you are.

Now gather up some energy because I am replenishing mine and I can’t wait to exhaust you with all my crazy ideas, very soon 🙂
There are many people that touched my heart in the past 6 months. I will not be able to mention everybody but they are in my thoughts and I am grateful that they entered into my life.

Oh, I almost forgot! Shame on me…
Charlie, Cha Cha Carlito, El Bandito and many other nicknames – Yes, he is a dog on the outside, but human on the inside. I assume we must have met in a different lifetime. Maybe he was human or maybe a I was a Great Dane.

Even though I prefer big dogs, this individual, because as I mentioned, he is part human, stole my heart. I even considered kidnapping him at one point of time. The task would have been complicated because he belongs to our friends that we hang out with quite often and it would have been hard to convince them that I just got a new dog Charlie from the pet store – a chunky Chihuahua, in case I would have thought about shaving him for disguise. Charlie is a Wiener dog with a strong personality. I will refrain myself from describing a Chihuahua. Now that I think about it, even the thought of comparing these two breeds, gives me the goose bumps 🙂

In any case, Charlie figured out that I am in trouble from the very beginning. I can’t forget the look in his eyes when I showed up at the New Year’s night party, back in December. There was pain and fear in his eyes. Look, I am a dog lover, even though I do not have a dog but please believe me that I am not bullshitting here. This dog is simply a very special dog. Now he’s different. When he does see me, he has a totally different approach. It might have something to do with the treats he gets, but still, I have not seen the fearful look in his eyes for a while now.

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I Get a Good Feeling

Originally published by Joana on May 28th, 2014

So, yesterday I decided to do something good. While in the chemo room I saw many sad people and I thought of something to possibly cheer them up.

I grabbed a bunch of roses and a bunch of cards where I wrote the following note: Unimaginable strength is within us. We just need to unleash it with our mind.

I gave them to one of my favorite nurses and asked her not to disclose the “source” of these little gifts for the other patients. There is a little concern that I have meaning that at this moment in my journey I am not sure that I would be ready to have face to face conversations with people that have the same condition as mine. Why? Simply because most of the time people ask about your situation and after that, they start talking about theirs.

I need to gather more mental strength before I can start helping others “full time”. The blog itself was a big leap for me. I am sure that in the near future I will get to the point where I will replace the fear of talking to other people in worse situation than mine, with the joy of making them feel better. I know there is power in me and I will tap into it as soon as I will be ready.

One step at the time. This is what I have to do, and this is what I have been doing, since life slapped me big time in the face, back in December.

I had a fantastic satisfaction yesterday when one of the nurses told me that her patient said “This is exactly what I needed today”. If by doing what I did, I managed to give support to at least one human being, my mission has been accomplished.

On top of everything something amazing happened to me. Usually after the treatment I have to go back to work, so I am quite tired at the end of the day and not necessarily cheery and happy. Guess what? Yesterday was different for me. I felt OK, I had a peaceful evening and I was happy.

There is a logical explanation for this. Making somebody happy, even for just a moment, is a positive thing that bounces back to you. I guess it gets anchored in your own subconscious and it brings you a positive feeling. You think about what you did for a while, which in return gives you a good mood.

I know it sounds very simple but guess what? IT IS SIMPLE.

When you are focused on yourself and your own problems 24 out of 24, all you do is worry. If you focus on doing something with a positive impact on somebody, who is in a shape worse than yours, you push your stuff on the side and forget about it for a while.

In general, humans have a dose of selfishness. Some have a shit load of it and some have less. I am somewhere in the middle. Wow – finally I found an area where the “extreme” word doesn’t apply! Not long ago, it used to apply in very many aspects of my life. There are traces of it now and I am trying to be rational and accept the fact that I will never be the queen of moderation in this lifetime. But at least I can try to make some improvements.

So, back to selfishness. The more you reduce it, the better off you are. If you start thinking on how to help others, that gives you something to focus on and a fantastic feeling that makes you happy. Isn’t this what we want after all?

I believe that chasing a continuous happy life is an impossible task. However, looking for happy moments in a life that is not perfect, is the way to go.

If you have stories that relate to mine, please post them. They could be very inspirational for people in need.

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Rewiring Our Soul

Originally published by Joana on August 24th, 2014

You can achieve whatever you put your mind into with ambition, drive, struggle and hard work. Or, you can achieve the same thing or something similar and better, by listening to you inner voice, instinct and passions. Once you figure out what you want, go after it but not with vengeance, anger and restless struggle. Go after it with peace, with a strong belief that you will get what you want, and an open mind to make adjustments on the way, if what you want is not what you truly need.

Why do we choose the hard way? Why do we punish ourselves?
Because we don’t know any better. Because we cut off the wiring to our inner soul at an early age. We do it, others do it for us, the society does it for us. It doesn’t matter how it happened. What matters is how we reconnect the wires and update our circuits. Cars get upgraded, systems get upgraded, everything else in our life gets upgraded. Why not upgrade ourselves? It doesn’t matter if you are in your 20’s, 30’s or 70’s. There is a way and the way comes from in within us.

The rewiring process can be accompanied by excruciating pain or it can be a smooth sail. If we tell ourselves that change is difficult, it will be. If we tell ourselves that change is an exciting new opportunity, a new lifestyle an easier way of achievement, that is exactly how it will be. Smooth and rewarding.

Why be afraid of change?
Because humans are taught or they teach themselves, to be afraid of change. Once we get comfortable in a certain environment we have a tendency to stay there. But humans are developing in time, they grow, they learn, they accumulate knowledge. So suddenly the environment doesn’t fit them anymore.

And here is the problem!
Instead of making changes to the environment they live in, they try to fit their new personality in the old pattern. If you squeeze, push, try to adjust something to an old pattern, it doesn’t work. Those realizing that change is imminent, will move forward. Those that won’t accept change as a must, will struggle and stay behind.

Why stay behind when new opportunities are just around the corner?
Because of fear. And this is the the main obstacle – FEAR.

I will talk about removing fear in a different posting so stay tuned… 🙂

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Simple Revelations… My Mom’s amazing and inspirational response

Originally published by Joana on August 27th, 2014

My thought of the day
“As children we believe in fairy tales. As adults we act as if there are no happy endings. It is possible that we call upon ourselves the negative outcomes if we don’t believe in fairy tales anymore?”

My Mom’s amazing and inspirational response

My dear girl,
You said this very, very well and you made me think about this quote:”As children we believe in fairy tales. As adults we act as if there are no happy endings. It is possible that we call upon ourselves the negative outcomes if we don’t believe in fairy tales anymore?”

I have a certain connection to fairy tales, you know. As children we believe in fairy tales because, when we were born, we were still connected with the universal energy. with the universal truth, with our previous experiences as entities of different natures. And we knew that everything is possible. Gradually, as we grow up, we forget this connection. We wonder why we feel so powerless and affected by the ups and downs of life. Nothing is stable, nothing is permanent and we live with continue sensations that the moments of happiness are so short lived. We are always worried about the future.

Inevitably, then comes an inner earthquake, a moment when we feel that something is superficial and something is missing in our life. But the life is forcing us to look into the spiritual, like telling us :”You wandered enough thru life without direction, without permanence, without real connection with others and between us and something else.”

Now comes something about the fairy tales. In them, the humble girl or the princess or the horse goes thru the world with the clear mission: to put down every roadblock, to fight against every enemy, to fight the loneliness, the uncertainty, the fears. They go with courage, knowing instinctively the difference between good and bad, doing good and fighting the bad. They also know that they will accomplish the mission and then, in the end, they will find a perfect happiness.

What is fictional in this? This looks like real life in miniature, but always with a happy ending! The pauper girl or the princess or the horse have that laser like view of mission and nothing can stop them. They believe in the connection with the good and are fighting the bad. Not alone, but with the power of their hearts, good intensions and clear mission.

What a way for us to do the same! What a way to again believe in fairy tales!
Love to all of you
Mama

Why can’t we let it go? Actually we can!

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Sheer Fear, Horror and Desperation

Originally published by Joana on September 19th, 2014

– The doctor said – "You have cancer, I am sorry but the situation is….."
– In my sheer horror, pain, fear and desperation I said "Stop". She did.
– "I don´t want to hear predictions" is what I said.
– She refrained herself to tell me how many months I have left.
I also didn´t want to know the extent of the disease but unfortunately I saw a chart on the doctor´s office wall. It was stage 4.

Ok, now that I caught your attention and hopefully you can validate the amount of fear that I had to overcome, let me help you get rid of yours.

When something like this occurs in your life, EVERYTHING is turned upside down. At first you can´t believe it but, shortly after that, you grasp the immensity of the tragedy. I thought of my daughter, my husband, my mother and father for which I am the only child, people that I love and the list goes on and on.

Next step is anger. Why me? What did I do so wrong?

And after that more uncontrollable emotions – crying, desperation, frustration and FEAR.

In the midst of this tsunami I was trying to hold onto something but fear would not let go of me. It was like a monster with an infinite number of tentacles getting a stronger and stronger grip on my soul.

It was a similar feeling to the one I had when, while water rafting in California, the boat flipped and the current took my daughter. I was paralyzed, couldn´t breath and I felt like drowning not because I don´t know how to swim but because I couldn´t see her. She got swept around a gigantic rock and I was almost lifeless floating down the river. The sheer horror and fear that was running through my body sucked out all the energy, in an instant. My brain stopped functioning.
Luckily my husband, which reacted in an instant and managed to somehow swim against the current, ended up catching her and dragging her to the river bank. I was ashamed of myself. I hated the lack of power, mental and physical to snap out of that horrible black out. For a long time I couldn´t understand how I could have been so powerless. Now I do. I know exactly the cause. It was the FEAR of loosing her. It simply made a puppet out of me.

This time, when I was diagnosed with my "flu", I had time to pull myself together. Even though the first reaction is to lay down and never get up again, I chose to look FEAR in the eyes. Now it is my chance of redemption. It is my chance to save my daughter from loosing her mother. It is my chance to swim against the current, grab her and take her to the river bank.

Interestingly enough, I didn´t think of it this way back in January. I acted by instinct. Now, while writing this article, the white water rafting episode came to my mind.

So now look back into your life, not with anger but with curiosity. Can you find an event such as the white water rafting one I was talking about, where you felt powerless and totally paralyzed by fear? Something that didn´t end up in tragedy but could have? Something that you are not proud of how you handled ? And now think about the outcome. The good outcome. If you would relive it, knowing that you will be ok in the end, wouldn´t you just act differently? You sure would. So if you are in misery now, for one reason or another, remember that good outcomes are possible. If you decide to look FEAR in the eyes and analyze the situation, you are not a puppet anymore.

The best way to do it is to stop the snow ball effect caused by the "What if ´s". If you ask yourself a million questions, you end up with a million things to worry about. Stop asking. Take the data, analyze it, grab one path and go with it. Try it and see if it works. If the first try is not as successful as you want it to be, go back, grab another path and try again. Eventually you will find the solution that woks for you. While you do this, stop being afraid. You are doing something, you took action, it WILL work.

Going back to my experience on the river, just now I figured out that it was an alarm signal. Instead of making changes after that event, I kept going on with my life, I stressed myself out, I worked as hard as I did before, I didn´t learn to slow down. In order to really catch my attention, the "Universe" chose another task for me. And this one really caught my attention.
Change must happen and it just did for me 🙂