It is so hard without you… my love.
I am alone without you… my love
My love, my dear Ioana… it is 7pm, I am at the store, alone and crying. It is so hard without you…
What is it that I can do to be more easy and how to do it? I do not know. I am still waiting for you to show up, somehow, somewhere… I am waiting for a miracle to happen. It’s been more than seven months now and I can’t stop crying. I am looking around me, I am looking towards the sky hopping for a sign, hopping to see you again.
Nobody can understand what means to wake up alone, to work alone, to eat alone, to take decisions alone, to go home alone, to be there alone… and finally, to turn off the lights and sleep alone. And it is not over, the next day same thing happens again, and again, and again.
How to move on? How to move on when my heart is beating only to keep me alive, when my soul is like a rock, when my eyes are flooded with tears? How? How to walk tall when there is so much weight on my shoulders? How to really smile when in fact everything I am is searching for you, for your voice and for your smile? How?
Some people might thing that there were only 10 years. Yes, only 10 years. But, those 10 years were the most beautiful years a ever lived. Ten years next to you, the most special human being I ever met. And when I am loosing a such special wife, friend and life partner, all I am is emptiness. I feel sometimes that I am not a person that people around me can see. I feel like I am a shadow moved by the wind…
I need a sign, I do need something to make me understand the injustice that has been done by I do not know who. I need to find something to hang on. I feel so overwhelmed and so tired, my love. With you I had a purpose and something to look forward. Now, it is like constantly looking at a very thick wall. I walk, the wall is right there in front of me. I run, the wall is running with me, staying in front of me. I can’t see the future, I can’t image or plan the future. My future was with you, my plans for the future were with you. Everything I ever imagined had you in there. Now, how to move on? How to imagine, design and follow a plan for the future?
Who can help me out? I do not know. The answer should be in me, but it is not. I am scared to take decisions, I am scared to plan, I am scared because I am alone, I am scared because if something happens to me, there is nobody to hold my back.
I never did imagine a more tragic event in my life. What I am going through might not be seen or felt by the people around me. It is me that knows and only me that can see how deep and dark is the spiritual life I am living now. I do hope that one day to be able to find a way to climb that wall. It does not mean that I will forget you. I will never forget you and I will never let you go away from me. You entered in me from the very first second I meet you and you will be in me forever. I loved you with all my heart, I love you and I will always love you… my dear and special wife. And remember, without you… there are only tears on earth… tears in Heaven.
ILMW
